- being late
- things i said five minutes ago
- things i said five years ago
- people touching me
- being around a ton of people
- being yelled at
- wondering if people are talking about me
- every action i do
- and just about everything else
She’s so in love with you. I know I’m being crazy because you’re not even mine. But I’m scared one day you’re going to wake up and just fall in love with her.
I just fucking miss you. Plain and simple.
As I’m sitting here in the student center at Simmons, I’m realizing more and more how much my world has changed. At UNH I would look up at any given point and probably see someone I knew within 30 seconds. Not because I considered myself popular, but I just knew people there.
My friend group has gotten significantly smaller down here. I guess at first that was hard to accept, but now, I’ve realized these girls I’ve met at Simmons are not just friends, they’re girls that I am going to want in my life for a very long time. These girls will be the bridesmaids in my wedding, the “aunties” to my kids. These girls are true friends. For the first time, I became friends with these girls, not because I could save them, but because we clicked and just worked together.
Seeing my old best friend this weekend definitely brought back old memories. And I wouldn’t exactly say good ones. I always defended her as being a “good friend.” But in reality, what did she do for me? She caused endless drama as well as just endless struggles. Things weren’t always easy for her. I guess I just wanted to help fix her. That’s kind of what I do.. when she said hi to me, I was so taken off guard. I hadn’t seen her in months and honestly, I was significantly happier that way. Seeing her with the guy who’s marriage she ruined just was the cherry on top. She isn’t a good person. And my life is significantly better without her.
I’m going to look at an apartment today with one of my best friends down here. I honestly have never been more excited by the idea of living with someone. She’s an awesome person. Just genuinely a nice individual.
I know for a while I was very similar to my old best friend. One might say we were close to the same when it came to drama. However, I just see myself bettering my life. Moving forward, not backward. I want to make a difference.
I know you don’t think I’ve changed. And in someways, you’re probably right. But I’ve changed in more ways than I think you understand.
Looking at recent pictures of myself, I’ve gotten a little discouraged. I feel like I’ve been working out more than ever, but I feel like I look fatter. So, I’ve decided that between now and the marathon, I’m going super healthy, going to mix up my workouts, and no alcohol (except when I’m in Turks and Caicos!!) I want to lose around 15-20 pounds by April 21st… That means I have 46 days! Yikeeeees. I haven’t weighed myself since last Friday, so tomorrow morning will be my start. Gotta be a healthy nurse and a healthy person.
Sitting here tonight and finally telling you what happened to me might have been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. Holding that in was destroying me, but for some reason I could never get the words out. I know the night it happened I should’ve gone to the police. Or to someone who could’ve done anything. But I didn’t. I tried to play the out of site out of mind game with it. However, clearly this was unsuccessful.
Seeing him tonight absolutely shattered my world. Seeing him walking around as though nothing had happen and he hadn’t taken away so much of my self respect and dignity. Seeing him flash that stupid grin and give me that fucking wave made me want to take the drink I had, run up to him, and throw it in his face. Instead, I put my drink on the bar, and walked out.
I believe we are responsible for our own happiness. That it is not something we can rely on others for. However, what I’ve learned since you’ve come back into my life, is that I rely on you in so many other ways. Even you laying on skype with me right now while I try to sleep is helping me feel safe. Your soothing voice talking to me after my nightmare, even though you have to be up in 4 hours. I know hearing what I said was hard, and I wish those words never had to come out of my mouth. But words cannot describe how much it meant that you were there to support me.
I’m sitting here right now, knots in my stomach. Feeling like I could throw up everywhere. What kind of sick fuck does that to a human being and then is able to casually say hello? He saw the tears on my face, my mascara definitely wasn’t waterproof that night. He made me feel like a dirty person. Like a slut.
I guess now that I’ve said it out loud, if feels like it really happened… It wasn’t a bad dream that I can wake up from. Tomorrow will be the first day I acknowledge that it happened, and I’m not sure I’m ready for that…
Sitting next to you in the library right now has my stomach in knots. I can’t exactly explain why I’m so nervous… You look so stupidly adorable in the blue zip up. I feel like I’m probably not retaining the information I’m reading because I keep looking at you and that stupid pen you keep putting behind your ear.
I’m glad you liked the watch :) it’s gonna look so great when you wear it to work! So professional! I hope you have fun tonight. I wish I was gonna be with you. I guess I just want to spend all sorts of time with you.
You still give me those annoying butterflies… And I don’t think that will ever change.
When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.
—Thích Nhất Hạnh (via purplebuddhaproject)